I approached this week's episode of The Shire with more questions in my mind than answers, after catching the previewed commercial:
- Why were Vernesa and Sophia partying late at Northies if they had their long journey back to Lansvale ahead of them?
- Why was Mitch's text message grammatically correct?
- And why was Mitch having a romantic dinner with his Mum?
Which leads me to my first issue with these 'characters' - why are they all so creepy with their family members??? Beckaa's father Tony gazes at Beckaa so strangely, twitching his pursed thin lips in a mincing pout. If she didn't have an identical thin lipped mincing pout I would seriously question whether they were biologically related. Same with Gabby and her brother Tyrone - he spoke to her almost tenderly, weirdly in the cafe. Seriously, whose brother even cares who they are dating enough to sit over a coffee and have a chin wag?
Speaking of family, I would award Mitch's mum Michelle with the 'most realistic Shire person' award for her sun kissed face, standard Baby Boomer Shire mum issued white linen blouse, and Pandora braceletted arm - but that award officially goes to my new mate Folksey. Pure, unadulterated Shire. Let's put him at 25 plus, but still sporting a high school nickname, mid nineties body piercing, skateboard riding at the park lifestyle, he's a 'bros before hos' kind of guy. But I sensed something more in this Shire stereotype - an almost palpable homoerotic tension. I don't know - it could have been his plaintive wailing that his boyfriend Spock didn't have enough quality 'one on one' for him anymore, that he sneered at Kez like a jealous Year 8 girl, or the way he bitched to his mate Jye that a girl was going to ruin all the good times they were having, just ruin it!!!
WTF. All I can say is this - ladies, this is what you meet at Northies. You've been warned.
The more pensive moments of this week's episode reminded us that the Shire has more than its fair share of first world problems, and the Bold and the Beautiful cutaway soundtrack accompanying close ups of our new friends helped us to empathise with those problems:
- Should Gabby text Mitch? Should Mitch text Gabby? Or should they both just stare at the phone stroking their name on the contact list? My mind's adrift with worry for them.
- How will Beckaa get new breasts if she leaves university (noone has named this degree yet...surely its neurosurgery) and if she does get the breasts who will appreciate them if she only hangs out with gay boys with waxed eyebrows?
- Will Andy leave his promising career as an electrician and follow his dream of being a rapper like Rif Raf (so he too can hang out at his parent's pool in his Bed Bath and Table bath robe like a complete tool)?
And finally my favourites, Sophie and Vernesa. They are so awful that they are in fact lovely - one of those great paradoxes of life. But I did feel sorry for the poor local saps trying to get to their Body Attack class in Fitness First, after Vernesa announced their arrival with 'There are so many fat people out there...'. This is a warning for anyone passing by the shooting for the show - DO NOT BECOME AN EXTRA!
So we end this week's wrap up with a shout out to our local cameos from the mall Juice Bar, Simone's on the Park, Beach Burrito and I believe a close up from the barista from Fifth Season. Well done all.
Until next week - we leave with the wise words from Folksey, "All I want is my slurpee and one of your girlfriends'. Words to live by.
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