Tony - Do Not Pay For Those Breasts!!!

 'The Shire' is such an unmissable, unforgettable, addictive piece of viewing ... so much so that I leapt out of my seat from watching the Olympic ping pong heats and yelled "S$%t - The Shire!". Yep, it's that unmissable - ping pong overshadowed it. So I begrudgingly left the Olympics and turned over in the name of this blog, to report on how the "double date" was going at Northies - two feral looking blokes in flannies (90's anyone?) accused Sophie of having a knock off Louis Vuitton. I'm with you boys - definite Bangkok job there. That's why Sophie huffed off sneezing ridiculously - she was caught out. I love the girls - but those chicks can't afford LV.

Meanwhile, Rif Raf's party was the catalyst to get our Mitch and Gabby back together - that's what sub par Aussie hip hop will do to an estranged couple. And I was thrilled to witness some twenty somethings speaking like fourteen year olds ("Do you want to be my girlfriend?") - if you've already had sex with someone, would you ask them such an obscenely coy question?? Blah. I thought that was bad - UNTIL THE CLAIRVOYANT WAS BROUGHT IN!!!!!!! WTF???? These producers are taking the piss out of us....and those boys are not looking good to the men of Australia right now.  Mitch's 'Bold and the Beautiful' closeup at the end of the psychic's proclamation of doom will surely haunt him for the rest of his life. I wouldn't be surprised if his visa to live in the Shire is revoked by his surfing mates after this. As it rightly should be.

So Pete Murray sang hauntingly about getting his fingers burnt - nice soundtrack work again Shire - and we reflected on the how complicated this love triangle is getting with Spock. How will Kez cope with finding out she is not the only woman in Spock's life - but more importantly...how is Folksey going to cope!!???!!! I'm worried that he'll have a mental breakdown if there is someone else to compete with his "one on one" time with Spock. He might have to start acting his age - 37? - and get a girlfriend himself.

Now to Beckka and another weird couple / child - parent dinner at Sea Level. I was shouting encouragement at the tv - "Go Tones - this is your time to lay the smack down on Beckka". He threw out the harsh "Shut up" and I think I heard a "No" but then there was the weird, sly, "I'm my daughter's faux lover" grin, and I just knew that those breast implants were being racked up on that credit card before the show's credits roll. You're the dad Tony, you get to call the shots. Sheesh.

Until next week - when we see Andy (was that his name?!?) go speed dating. Sigh. Can't wait.

The Shire - Land of Homoerotic Tension??

I approached this week's episode of The Shire with more questions in my mind than answers, after catching the previewed commercial:

- Why were Vernesa and Sophia partying late at Northies if they had their long journey back to Lansvale ahead of them?

- Why was Mitch's text message grammatically correct?

- And why was Mitch having a romantic dinner with his Mum?

Which leads me to my first issue with these 'characters' - why are they all so creepy with their family members??? Beckaa's father Tony gazes at Beckaa so strangely, twitching his pursed thin lips in a mincing pout. If she didn't have an identical thin lipped mincing pout I would seriously question whether they were biologically related. Same with Gabby and her brother Tyrone - he spoke to her almost tenderly, weirdly in the cafe. Seriously, whose brother even cares who they are dating enough to sit over a coffee and have a chin wag?

Speaking of family, I would award Mitch's mum Michelle with the 'most realistic Shire person' award for her sun kissed face, standard Baby Boomer Shire mum issued white linen blouse, and Pandora braceletted arm - but that award officially goes to my new mate Folksey. Pure, unadulterated Shire. Let's put him at 25 plus, but still sporting a high school nickname, mid nineties body piercing, skateboard riding at the park lifestyle, he's a 'bros before hos' kind of guy. But I sensed something more in this Shire stereotype - an almost palpable homoerotic tension. I don't know - it could have been his plaintive wailing that his boyfriend Spock didn't have enough quality 'one on one' for him anymore, that he sneered at Kez like a jealous Year 8 girl, or the way he bitched to his mate Jye that a girl was going to ruin all the good times they were having, just ruin it!!!

WTF. All I can say is this - ladies, this is what you meet at Northies. You've been warned.

The more pensive moments of this week's episode reminded us that the Shire has more than its fair share of first world problems, and the Bold and the Beautiful cutaway soundtrack accompanying close ups of our new friends helped us to empathise with those problems:

- Should Gabby text Mitch? Should Mitch text Gabby? Or should they both just stare at the phone stroking their name on the contact list? My mind's adrift with worry for them.

- How will Beckaa get new breasts if she leaves university (noone has named this degree yet...surely its neurosurgery) and if she does get the breasts who will appreciate them if she only hangs out with gay boys with waxed eyebrows?

- Will Andy leave his promising career as an electrician and follow his dream of being a rapper like Rif Raf (so he too can hang out at his parent's pool in his Bed Bath and Table bath robe like a complete tool)?

And finally my favourites, Sophie and Vernesa. They are so awful that they are in fact lovely - one of those great paradoxes of life. But I did feel sorry for the poor local saps trying to get to their Body Attack class in Fitness First, after Vernesa announced their arrival with 'There are so many fat people out there...'. This is a warning for anyone passing by the shooting for the show - DO NOT BECOME AN EXTRA!

So we end this week's wrap up with a shout out to our local cameos from the mall Juice Bar, Simone's on the Park, Beach Burrito and I believe a close up from the barista from Fifth Season. Well done all. 

Until next week - we leave with the wise words from Folksey, "All I want is my slurpee and one of your girlfriends'. Words to live by.

The Shire - "We Call it God's Country"

And so they do. God's Country. Full of God's greatest creations, all on show for the rest of the country to see. The real winner of the debut episode was irony I think. Let's look at some of the finer moments of irony:

• the opening line of my absolute favourites Sophie, and the phonetically spelt Vernesa, regarding a tissue massage - "it's like really deep", just like their intelligence people.
• the soundtrack of the lives of these brilliant young things frollicking on Cronulla Beach - Paul Kelly, 'I've done all the dumb things" - lay it on thick Channel Ten...
• Rif Raf - his attempt at irony, but I'd suggest... an apt name for him
• The mummified corpse of a plastic surgeon suggesting that it's better to have a little bit of expression as she jabs Botox into Vernesa's line free forehead...and
• The 'Southwest boys' (sigh) rapping about their hard ass life, against a palm tree backdrop, backlit by Bunnings fairy lights at their Mum's house. I was scared. It was like downtown LA in that Sylvania Waters waterfront....

More trout pout than a Scottish river, more tattoo sleeves than a Big Day Out - The Shire lived up to its promise. The only white skin was on the sea gulls - everyone else was on the skin colour spectrum of jaffa through mocha, and cheetah bikinis were the uniform of the day.

No awkwardness at all on this 'dramality'. I was on tenterhooks when Gabby accidentally wandered up just in time to confront her ex Mitch as he came out of the surf - would she get an invite to the hottest party of the year from her ex? Relief - yes, the producers made it so. And absolutely no awkwardness when Beckaa (with two a's please), held her DAD'S hand in the limo!!! That was her Dad????? I assumed the way she was speaking that it was her lover. I threw up a bit in my mouth... and then threw up completely when she referred to herself as prettty. Pretty? Pretty is hair that doesn't break off at the neck from over peroxiding at the tender age of 20. Pretty is not striding through an airport looking like a grey Wookie stepping off the Millenium Falcon. Enough said.

Beckaa's dad seems creepy. But Gabby's mum Gaynor seemed frighteningly normal until she stated outright that Gabby would NEVER EVER find a guy like Mitch again - better hang onto to that high school sweetheart love - life finishes after Year 12 in the Shire, didn't you know?

And let's not mention New Money Mrs Rif Raf - roll out the Versace chinaware darl, you are all class....loved her shock at a party with 70 PEOPLE - 70!!! OMG, that's huge!!!!

I'll award best line to Vernesa for this episode - "Wish it was the first time I got a little prick" - almost bordering on witty Vernesa, almost.

So, these are the questions that leave us hanging after the debut episode:

• Exactly how many of Mitch's exes will we meet?
• Why was that blonde guy on crutches - oh wait a minute, I don't actually care
• Did Channel 10 really expect us to believe that the gay guy was a good judge of whether Beckaa's breasts were good enough to motor boat? Seriously
• What in God's name is Beckaa doing at a university???

AND.....

• When is Chris Lilley going to jump up and say "Surprise...."

Until next week, Shire locals....

Next post - A Big Monument for the Shire?

Five Things Missing From The Shire!

As a relative newcomer to the Shire (I’ve only had my visa for the Captain Cook Bridge for five years) I feel I can comment with an outsider’s perspective on things that the Shire seems to lack. The first was an obvious omission for me upon moving here, but the others have been things that have come to me through slow realisation and discussion with fellow locals. Here are my thoughts, and if anyone has a bit of coin handy to make any of these things happen, feel free to do the community a favour...

      1. A pub with beer garden and water views that is not Northies

    Okay, for a start Northies caters for a really young crowd, doesn’t have a very good view, and has a very squashed outside area. It just doesn’t have the vibe of somewhere like Newport Arms. Not many people take their kids to Northies and even if you are reading this now as a childless person – one day, you might have kids, and when you do you’ll still want to go out occasionally and have a beer my friend. Actually, you’ll want a beer even more. I know Caringbah Hotel and Taren Point Hotel have kid friendly areas but they feel so enclosed. I moved to the beach to have the beach lifestyle. I want cheap schooners, a kids' playground, and stylish beer garden seating overlooking water god dammit!

   2. An artisan bakery in the vein of Sonoma or Bourke St Bakery

    We have a few good bakeries I suppose but I’m talking about a quaint bakery that does sourdoughs, quiches, croissants, gourmet pies, tarts, macarons and so forth. The sort of bakery where people are lined up out the door on a Saturday morning to get the piping hot goodness. I may be wrong on this one and not know about some secret little bakery - do correct me if you know otherwise.

    3. A wine bar

      Just a wine bar. No food, not a restaurant. We want a ritzy wine bar where you can just buy a good glass of wine and sit on the footpath in the balmy summer heat, and watch the world go by.

      

    4. An arthouse cinema. 

      I believe that Cronulla Cinema used to show more independent films but stopped because of low attendance. What a shame. Now we're only offered Marvel comic flicks and Pixar animations. What? You want to see a film that has subtitles?  Get in the car and get thee to the Inner West. How dare you want to see a film marketed at someone other than teenagers....      
 

     5. A Food Growers Market. 

     It has come to my attention that the markets at Cronulla High School have been disbanded. Again, a shame. Is it because we don’t have market farms around here? Do we not have some providores that could sell their wares in a small market place in the heart of one of the shopping villages? Maybe the school grounds were too out of the way. Anyway, pretty sure there would be demand if the markets were more in sight of casual browsers.

These are my five. What do you think is missing from the Shire? What’s on your wish list?

Just click on comments below and have your say

Meanwhile, next post will be on Monday night’s premiere “The Shire”. The commercials have already made me squirm uncomfortably on the couch as I imagined what pearls of wisdom would come out of this “scripted dramality”. I can barely wait...

Top Five Coffees In The Shire! Have Your Say...

Coffee is the new real estate. It's all anyone talks about, and it's the new social barometer. It seems that everyone I speak to wants to talk coffee, and everyone has their two cents on where the best coffee can be sourced locally. Let's face it - we're all coffee snobs. So I'm ready to ignite the debate officially and name my (very subjective) Top 5 in the Sutherland Shire.
Yes, I know it all depends on personal taste - I like my coffee pretty strong, and very hot. And yes, I know it is pretty hard to discern between all these veeerrrry good coffees. So I've taken into account a few variables to decide my order - ambience of the cafe, food, speediness of service and the like. And here's what I came up with...

No 5: My Caffeine Romance

165 Oak Rd Kirrawee
Great name, great coffee. This cafe has a lovely atmosphere, situated in the middle of the Kirrawee village. My latte was hot, creamy and delivered to the table promptly - along with a salted caramel macaron to sweeten the deal. Awesome selection of cakes and sweets, a small selection of savoury breakfast and lunch bites. Always a group of what looks like locals sitting on the chairs outside, and on the lounges inside - mums and pre schoolers, students and workers enjoying their lunch. A great little find in the burbs.

No 4: Grind

Shop 4/15 Surf Rd Cronulla
This Cronulla institution has recently moved across the road to bigger and brighter premises. The new laneway position has taken some of the conjestion away from the old premises - you previously had to battle through the hordes of lycra clad desperadoes waiting for their caffeine hit post jog or ride. My latte was quite hot, very creamy and nutty in flavour. Grind can be very busy but the shabby chic decor, and Chill Out soundtrack piped over the chatting mums and hipster 20 somethings clutching skateboards, soothes even the most impatient customer.

No 3: White Horse

2 / 137 Flora St Sutherland
White Horse might not have the most salubrious vista of a street off Sutherland railway station, but it's damn good coffee. And besides, the Sutherland strip has quite a nice village feel out of peak hour.  Plenty of staff behind the tall counter of White Horse means that your order is taken promptly, and the coffee is brought out piping hot. The day I had my latte on the footpath I was seated next to two Soprano style men huddled together chatting in Italian, eyes covered by Raybans. Yeah, I felt reassured that I was at a place valued by true coffee aficionados. Meanwhile, the coffee was fabulous - creamy, very nutty, slightly bitter. I've seen people lined up outside the door at White Horse so the people of Sutherland have spoken.

No 2: Ham

3 / 17 Gerrale St Cronulla
Ham is quiet at like 6am in the morning - from about ten minutes after that it's busy until closing time. The masses can't be wrong. Ham is known for its coffee but it's also a fabulous place to eat, and the selection of cheeses and deli style meats are unparalleled in the local area. The staff at Ham run a tight ship and just as well, given how busy Ham gets - the baristas know their coffee, and pump out more cappuccinos in ten minutes quicker than you can say macchiato. Great atmosphere but on Saturday or Sunday prepare to hover around tables like a vulture waiting to swoop on an unsuspecting departing party of thirty somethings and their razor scooter clutching kids. My latte was creamy, hot - slightly weaker than the other lattes- but still worth the wait. A litttle slice of inner city cool in the Shire.

No 1: 5th Season

Cronulla Mall, Cronulla
My number one coffee spot in the Shire. It has the buzz of the mall, but is self contained enough to feel cosy in the winter and bright and breezy in the open air during the summer. The staff at 5th Season have created a lovely ambience in their little patch of coffee happiness with shabby chic decor, and Cat Empire providing a welcome soundtrack against the screech of sea gulls and kids running through the mall. The coffee at 5th Season is outstanding, and the baristas' love of their coffee is demonstrated by their latte art lessons for any interested punters. 5th Season have also recently introduced a credit card system for their coffees where regulars can put money on an account, and rock up empty handed after a surf or a jog to rack up another espresso on their card.
My latte was hot, creamy, nutty in flavour and with enough bite. Brilliant.

So there is my Top 5 - have I got it right? Or is there a place that I've overlooked? Which coffee would you rate as number 1 in the Shire? Just click on the comment board below and share your thoughts....

PS. The Coffee@Peace festival is at Peace Park Sutherland on Sunday July 8 at 10am. Great festival, plenty of coffee to perk you up on a cold winter morning.

Next post on Big Mouth In The South - 5 Things Missing From the Shire....